Life advice from the experts.
There are only two reasons why you would feel compelled to type “How do I live without you?” into Google:
a) You have terrible taste in music; or
b) It’s 4:30am, you’ve cried yourself out of tears, and you’re reaching out into the void in the hope that someone out there has the answers you so sorely need.
If you answered ‘a’ to the above, we can’t help you. (Other than to point out that if watching LeeAnn Rimes on YouTube is your idea of a good time, maybe ‘living’ is something you really do need to revaluate…)
However if you are here because the simple matter of your remaining alive has been thrown into question by a recent breakup, well then friend, read on.
Now look, first things first, you’re going to have to be realistic. If you’re hoping that reading this article will somehow unlock a secret portal within the universe that will bring about the swift return of your loved one to your bed via a magic wormhole, you will be disappointed. Sorry bro, today’s blog is about how to continue living once someone is definitely gone, NOT how to devise schemes to convince your ex that they’ve made a stupendous mistake and that they should immediately return into your loving arms. …Kay?
So breathe deep, peeps, Auntie Lou is here now and itching to dispense advice that’ll soon have you asking not: “How do I live without you?” but: “How do I live without Lou?”
The first key to continuing to live is to make sure your planet of residence is Earth (there was that one time I woke up after a big night and tried to make a cheese sandwich only to realise I was on Jupiter… boy was my face red!) and that you are regularly supplying your body with non-poisonous foods and fluids.
If this seems difficult, try to focus on the positives. You’ve clearly succeeded at these tasks so well that you are, at this very moment, still alive and functioning to the point where you can operate a computer. Well done! Well done you. I’d ask you to give yourself a big pat on the back… but you probably shouldn’t push your luck. Baby steps, hey.
Anyway kid, it’s time to put The Collected Works of Keats down and listen to me. I’m afraid to break it to you that there’s basically no instant cure for the condition of being heartbroken. Like bloody everything in life, the only way is the long, boring, annoying way – which largely involves waiting for significant portions of time to elapse whilst refraining from killing yourself. Don’t ask me why this appears to be the case with everything that’s remotely painful and difficult in life; my best guess is that God is a sadist who tortures humans for his own perverse amusement. But hey! At least he’s blessed us with a number of quite compelling distractions, which won’t solve anything, but will at least provide a few minutes of succour from an otherwise harsh and unremittingly bleak state of being.
If there were ever a ‘get out of jail free’ card for irresponsible drinking, it’s now. Instead of scorning your behaviour, people will be more likely to give you a break, reasoning that you’re you’re going through a difficult breakup, and a certain amount of self-destruction is to be expected.
I say, capitalise on this opportunity by scraping together your last vestiges of energy and hitting the bottle harder than you’d like to hit all those smug hand-holding couples you keep seeing in the street on the rare occasions you leave the house.
Any type of alcohol will do, but my personal favourite is Bin Ends Shiraz – retailing for around $6 a bottle from wherever poor quality liquor is sold.
The point, of course, is to be as drunk as possible for as long as possible. Whilst intoxicated you can enjoy such things as:
• Laughing at things that aren’t particularly funny
• Reinterpreting reality to discover that your life is actually awesome
• Working yourself into a self-righteous rage whereby you realise you were CLEARLY WRONGED and that if your ex were to turn up on your doorstep at that very moment you would not embrace them, you would punch them in the head
• Not caring about the fact you’re fat and alone
However you should try to avoid:
• Calling your ex seventy-three times (seventy-two, however, is fine)
• Driving to your ex’s house to beg
• Writing suicidal Facebook status updates
• Blogging your feelings in poetry format/releasing your own a cappella own version of “I will survive” on YouTube
Excessive drinking is fine, just try to restrict your drunken activities to scratching yourself, eating cold pizza and weeping into your cat, okay?
Escape! Escape is fun. Now is the time to follow through with that half-baked dream you’ve always had to travel to an exotic location and reinvent yourself as some sort of sexy gypsy, seducing attractive people in bars around the world and generally being adventurous and interesting.
(If by ‘sexy gypsy’ you mean ‘pockmarked backpacker’ and by ‘adventurous and interesting’ you mean ‘incontinent and broke’).
Chances are you’ll probably feel just as lousy somewhere else as you did at home, but at least you can feel lousy in a slightly more exotic location. Plus travel gives you plenty of opportunities to drink alcohol…
Dear friend, allow me to draw your attention to the existence of a thing known as ‘The Internet’.
With The Internet, you can use free dating sites to present a carefully edited version of yourself in which you are charming, attractive, and mentally sound.
You will meet a variety of terrible freaks who will disappoint and repulse you in a multitude of ways, diminishing your hopes and lowering your overall opinion of humanity.
However the exercise will prove tremendously distracting, and will provide you with new things to complain about, helping to provide a bit of variety for your friends who are no doubt sick of hearing about how much of a moron your ex is.
…I suppose it’s possible that you’ll meet someone nice who you would actually want to date, in the same sense that it’s technically possible to win Oz Lotto. Gotta be in it, eh?
Finally, if all else fails, you can always devote a lot of time and energy to something – such as a novel or an album of forlorn polka ballads – and tell yourself that this is more rewarding and meaningful than love.
“How could the love of a mere human compare with the inspired masterwork of a genius?” you will ask yourself sincerely while eating your fourth muffin for the day and using the ‘SHIFT F7’ shortcut to replace all the adjectives in your novella with more impressive sounding adjectives.
How indeed. Until next time, lovelies…