Why do we yawn?

We yawn because evolution has taught our brains that sticking something in our mouths is generally the best way to alleviate the monotony of existence.

In the act of yawning, a tiny yet uppity and generally angry part of our brain (called the “cunt cortex”) sends an electrical impulse via a nerve cell to the muscles that open and shut our jaws and enable us to eat, breathe and order drinks.

This electrical impulse says effectively: “hey mofo, we need a little stimulus, why don’t we lower the drawbridge and see what rides in – what could possibly go wrong? Shutup, I’m not listening. No seriously, shut the fuck up – it’ll be great, stop being a pansy.”

The act of yawning quite often happens at a point where the potential for something to enter the mouth is at its highest.

Hence, for example, during a particularly laborious first-date – the involuntary desire to yawn is often extreme.

The brain is thinking: “this might piss her off extraordinarily, but at the very least the consequences might be interesting and I’m not sure how much more I can take of her pinning the reason for why she is so fucked up on the fact her parents obsequiously and selfishly refused to not get along, fight or have a divorce.”

At least in the case of  men, yawning opens the mouth to the experience of ingesting projectiles of bile, venom or wine. The ingestion of any or all of these substances often forms an essential part of a great night out.

Conversely, we rarely yawn in moments where we feel the imperative of not risking anything entering our mouths. In fact, our mouths will remain grimly shut during times such as:

• When we are on a rollercoaster.
• When we are in a turkish bathhouse.
• When we are walking past a Kebab shop at 3am.